Dear Abby

"Dear Abby" was an advice column.
Pat Buchanan was in the paper too.
It was on paper. There was no goddamn Internet.

Someone next to Trump said I should “watch out” on Fridays, then closed her Twitter account. _Bill

October 29, 2017

Dear Abby -

I here “confess” to stealing some memorable Cornell characters and putting them in an absolutely fictional screenplay. How about my 1984 bookstore colleague Frank Dutton? Frank was the secret “porno dropper” among highly academic textbooks. Why would anyone “snitch” on Frank? He was always enthralled with gruesome murders and the location of Ithaca cops. My recurrent joke was: “Ithaca cops? Frank, I’ve never seen those guys.”

I saw them in 2008 when I drove up the Buffalo Street hill for nostalgia. Two cops were at the bottom of the hill, one on each side of the street waving as my later wrecked by Russian cocaine dealers vehicle went up to Collegetown. Same old stuff up there, so I departed and never want to see that miserable town again, except for when a “mafia claw” arrives for the demolition of the evil house at 420 W. Buffalo. What happened at W. Buffalo & N. Corn exactly on the fifth anniversary of the attempt on Ronald Reagan’s life? An big jackass waved a handgun at me and a guy stuck an Uzi submachine gun in my face. I ran, wouldn’t you?

A big clean-up job is needed at Secret Service.

Why?

I don’t like Trump, but I’d hate to see his butt killed.

Daddy was one of those Secret Service guys, back when they were really, really, secret.

The false report was: “Charlie, he can’t hit the broad side of a barn.”

Daddy’s call…let Oswald take a shot, or not.

They knew all about him (C.I.A. & Secret Service).

I know who dished the bad assessment, and…?

See you in Canada, because your USA is beyond recovery from a fascistic tailspin. Charles E. Hughes paid for his error by  residing in the LBJ doghouse for many years taking dictation and typing letters on a typewriter identical to the president’s. The prose is unmistakable, and is that of my late dad’s on an LBJ-corrected document nobody is stealing so I have to find it again on the TOP SECRET Internet.

“Back in the saddle” by 1980? I seem to recall saying this to my ex-spouse: “I think it’s Caroline Kennedy up at that office.” The wife said, “Why don’t you go in there and talk to her?” The tragedy no human seems to comprehend in this drug-demented nation is that if I had, Ted Kennedy still loses and does not even make it to the Wisconsin Presidential Primary. Caroline  would have given no clue about who had come in the door, and so I can’t wait to drag her and hubby Ed into a federal courtroom. (I’ve had 8mm film confiscated that caught the Kennedy’s on vacation with our impoverished family).  

As for my uncles, all of them said, “It will be like a bull in a china shop” (when I figure out who I am). That’s Howard Hughes’ son, dear.

William Hughes, MSW, QMHP

 

Go Astros! LA sucks!

That's Uncle Archie on the left.
What did they say in LA?
"Half of your problem is gay guys."
Like that charming fellow on the right?

CUT TO:

EXT. JUNGLE GROTTO - LATER

Several Apache Helicopters roam at treetop level as another Blackhawk settles into the tall grass.

BILL

(shouting)

Air transport! I love it!

BOB

Not so fast! We have a special guest.

A female jumps out of the helicopter.

A sudden RUMBLE and earthquake knock her down.

BOB

(to phone)

Jesus fucking Christ! Get her out of here! No?

As the woman resumes running, we see it is Winona.

BILL

Who is it?

LIGHT

The First Lady.

BILL

What?

He looks at Connie.

BILL (cont'd)

She's here? Not dead? This is your doing!

CONNIE

No way! Way over my GS number!

Dark clouds swirl, boil, and turn sickly colors.

From a distance Eva is heard SHOUTING.

EVA

Hurry! Twister forming! They can do anything!

Winona staggers forward to the others.

WINONA

Code phases, crazy shit. Gotta speak it. That should shut it down.

LIGHT

Nice to meet you.

An awkward few seconds.

BOB

(screaming)

Go! This is not even funny! Go!

>>Could you please put “RUPERT HUGHES” in a search box?

Thanks!

 

Dead Man e-mail File

Looks like Joe is ready to go!
As a Russian spy once said to me, "Hurry up and wait."

October 24, 2017

Dear Alan -

I’m sharing what I sent to your colleague. If Aladdin came with his lamp, the first wish would be to kick my Republican Congresswoman’s ass and serve two years in the House of Representatives, like JAMES MADISON HUGHES. (Photo attached). This situation in St. Louis has descended into what I’d call a “human rights tragedy” if anyone in the State-Controlled “media” took notice. Why is it so bad? That tombstone sits near our family grave plot only a cab driver would take me to in my home town. What a great community! I did nothing to them. They are the ones who threatened me over a lifetime and as I like to say, “Somebody has to go to prison.”

Making a movie is probably safer than a political campaign at this point, hence the true story about writing to a certain movie producer as more a less a joke and asking for 120 million dollars. The response was “Make an appointment” but backward neo-Nazi Missouri Mules and low I.Q. communists who want free gasoline have this far prevented me from doing anything but spending a retirement check that is less than half the federal poverty level. Many would have joined-up with the Islamic State by now, but not me. If in Congress, I’d drive them all nuts insisting they better define their enemies.

I’m making a bloated “disaster movie?” I’ve already told nobody about my idea for “Doomsday One,” and I’d fully expect to video the “spare” Air Force One for its final cinema landing after a nuclear exchange even worse than your worst scenarios. A sudden monsoon has shut down an engine #3 because it’s full of water, like Southern Air 241. This makes what they call a “flare out” less than perfect as the nose goes up, it rocks to and fro, the STALL WARNING sounds, and when all wheels finally hit, the Captain line is, “Plenty of concrete!” (To stop the plane without a “runway excursion” and then slowly die).

True trivia you should know is that my ex-Father-in-Law invented the pill that is a treatment for radiation poisoning. The company (Mallinckrodt) alleged Sal was “nuts” and he thus got nothing but a salary for this patent and more. I’ve long joked about a leftist “red beanie” on the heads of anti-government filmmakers, but I don’t think they have one at Target, which I vastly prefer over Wal Mart when buying Chinese-made shoes!

William Hughes, MSW, QMHP

Flame Out - Flake Out

Jeff Flake quit? Man, that's bad. Don't suicide in church, Lutherans!

12.31.2014

William C. Hughes

216 Nagel Ave.

St. Louis, MO  63111

Spokesperson

City of Chicago Police Department

3510 S. Michigan Avenue

Chicago, IL  60653

Dear Chicago Cops:

My late mother Margaret used to rather emphatically say, “Stop the merry-go-round! I want to get off!” She met my late alleged dad at the Federal Records Center. There’s your first clue, detective. Now, a TRUE-FALSE quiz:

1. Hughes’ ex-girlfriend married a Chicago cop.
2. Hughes taught at Jennings High School.
3. Peter Jennings worked for NBC.
4. Jennings Randolph was a car mechanic.
5. Shooter Jennings is a country singer.
6. River Roads Mall was located in Jennings, Missouri.
7. Spencer’s Bowl was in Jennings.
8. Diana Spencer was Queen of England.
9. Mayor Daley passed out bags of pot and tabs of LSD at the 1968 Democratic Convention.

“Pass your [legal] papers forward.” 2, 5, 6, & 7 are TRUE. 3, 4, 8, & 9 are FALSE. Problem? I’m not sure about #1, or anything else in my sorry life, because it in excruciatingly apparent at this point I am related to Howard Hughes, Jr. When the person in receipt of this knowledge is over 80 years of age, they are fearful, because I look like him, sound like him, and walk like him. Under 30 and ignorant? I must say, “The guy who flew the airplanes, the guy who made the movies, the guy in the movie The Aviator.” Then, both rich and poor say, “Oh yeah,” and attorney #2,610 says, “Sorry, I can’t help.”

Let us stick with Chicago as the topic, and deal in Joe Friday facts.

1. I read an interview with your mayor. I got the impression that, though a Democrat, he does not like President Obama.
2. I wrote and certified three (3) letters. Only the one to your mayor was received, per United States Postal Service (USPS) records.
3. I have much additional physical proof of mail tampering, theft of mail, unauthorized delivery of mail, etc.
4. I called a USPS attorney in Chicago.
5. Your mayor’s son was assaulted and injured.

Yes, a, b, c, d, & e are all connected. My situation? Two wrecked cars, five hacked & destroyed computers, all property seized, two stolen cell phones, two missing external data drives, and many missing people, including a forensic computer expert who backed-up my hard drives. This should be of interest to “the authorities,” when I have no way to consistently make telephone calls, send & receive postal letters, or e-mail.

Could you tell the mayor I’d like to meet with him? A “90 minute hour” would do. Now, I’m under fire from the Federal Election Commission over my sham PAC that reports zeroes for income. How stoned are “Hollywood kids” in California? They apparently think I’m your next president, absent the 1.5 billion it will likely cost the unfortunate individual who wins.

Now, let’s go to History Class:

1066 – William I was crowned on Christmas Day.
1926 – Howard and Helen had sex to make Charlie Hughes.

1956 – The argument was a week long over my name. Get it?

1966 – Mom tried to kill dad and failed. No oil at age 18, mom.

1976 – I traveled to Philadelphia and saw the Liberty Bell.

1986 – My life was spared by a number of Russian spies, all women.

1996 – I was allowed to see my future Air Force girlfriend. Get it?

2006 – I copyrighted a still unpublished book about drug dealing, 9/11, spies, the USA PATRIOT Act, C.I.A. misdeeds, and so forth.

2016 – Caroline Kennedy will win her daddy’s old job, thanks to my money I cannot spend yet. Don’t allow any dead guys up there to vote twice!

Aside from my parking tickets in Concord, NH during the presidential primary, like a bad B movie, I do not protest Ferguson, Ferguson, Ferguson, but rather the fact I’ve had to live like covert criminal, but never done anything unlawful. The $85 ticket on I-55 in Missouri? I took a driving class. The sky-high Lincoln, Illinois ticket? I paid it. The $180 California “storing” ticket is for 60 Minutes if CBS has not lost their collective minds along with 15 minutes of interview audio back when I sounded like I could have been a contender, even when housed at Westlake Village bus stops.

No bum, I’m still,

William Charles Hughes