Friday, April 20, 2018

Decision 2032

After I move to Finland, perhaps I can find those two drunk "exchange students" I met at Vons. It went like this:

"Why are you buying Russian vodka?"
"It's cheaper."

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

NTSB Creative Writing Class

Hughes awaits the thickly sliced baloney on this one.
Cat got the captain's tongue?
First Officer kind of busy?

WAYSIDE hackers arrested yet?

From the Endless Addenda Dept:

4:15 p.m. – Now I’m pissed-off about Southwest Air 1308. I’ve had a book researched about aviation accidents for a goddamn year and I cannot write it on this stupid keyboard in this motel room! Can somebody please get me out of here? I love reading 1966 accident accounts and finding out that when my uncle said, “Charlie, he didn’t see it in time” they were talking an aviator about to die by hitting Mont Blanc. An old boss gave me a pen by the same name. Many males would have gotten out the trusty AR-15 to get my “stuff” back by now. “Constitutional Rot” is a real concept. Law enforcement? At the virtual donut shop 24/7 and not doing their jobs. Why don’t we call evil George Soros so I can stay and run for governor? Or, I’m so sick of this motel room, I’d be happy if someone dumped my remaining property on an I-44 truck stop lot. The sheriff doesn’t want it as his place, or does he?

Friday, April 13, 2018

Where's Rachel?


Rachel -

If I can get away from the Union Station Starbucks by the time you leave work, I'm going to call from the pay phone at a nearby Chevron where the old AT&T buried cable and microwave towers are only 10 cents a minute.

You and Jill are in big trouble, or not. I work for the C.I.A., according to "Beavis." How many times have I denied that? The train now gets into St. Louis at 7:01? Even I got that clue. May I go to H.W. Bush's funeral? Don't ask why. You driving?



p.s. Secret Service in Washington okayed my upcoming hassling of their Des Moines Field Office. Tell Koval to call them, and they will deny it.  

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Jr. High J.D.

 Can't hear me? Why not get the shit out of your ears?

April 7, 2018

Schlickterr Bogart, & Renton

Watch many “spy movies?”

Like s spy flick, I’m now wanting to bust-up your law firm over Nelson Wolf’s very bad  free advice. No, the issue is not “peace disturbance,” it is a nationwide crime wave run on one man—me.  This started with retired St. Louis barrister JOHN ENRIGHT in December of 2012. With an illegal California ticket hanging over me, Jack’s advice was, “Just forget it.” In that event, it would have remained in the “cop computer” preventing a driver’s license I still do not have, and it also would have allowed a cop to take me away any old time because Ed Tumbleson wants me off a parking lot so he can retire to Costa Rica. I say Ed goes to prison along with former sheriff Geoff Dean. Torture? Not okay in Thailand, Poland, Egypt, or USA.

I remember the yard signs for Jack’s dad, a long-time judge. Was he a corrupt ass like Dowd, Grady, and Peebles? You need some judges tossed off the bench and some law licenses pulled. Nelson’s speakerphone is a good place to start the way I see it. I am a virulent opponent of firearms—even for police to carry, but I have news for your firm. I was certain the man screaming at me was a former police captain high on something, so given he had previously threatened me with physical harm, I could have shot the man dead. Then I would not have to worry about the jerk today. Fortuitously, I just remembered the name of a big pro-gun rights Second Amendment lawyer I have spoken with, and  we’ve exchanged e-mail. He would see it my way, and you think I am supposed to just let this all dangle along with “Agent McCullough,” who was not a Secret Service agent? Agent Meier was with the FBI? No, he was not!

How nuts can you people be to think anyone should tolerate this kind of garbage? Maybe instead of file a product liability lawsuit I should buy an AR-15 and head to Bohemia, NY where the company is located that sold me a poison pill no lawyer wants to address. While busy calling me “mental” after what has become an everyday American event, perhaps my large framed Handgun Control, Inc. poster could be recovered from intelligence agency hijackers, or was it more mundane Mafia men waiting many years for me to show up in Los Angeles?

One word: Criminals.

William Charles Hughes

Thursday, April 5, 2018


Why all of the missing people, deputy?

April 4, 2018

Mr. Evans –

This morning I found an error in what I’ve attached. This is why writers like editors sometimes. Here in St. Louis, my character has been assassinated, but not my person. Police? The bastards in brown employed by Saint Louis County have been after my ass since 1970, when a beer party was broken up by their new helicopter like LADP loves so much. The Saint Louis Metropolitan Police Department recently achieved some CNN fame by pepper spraying bystanders and using what they call a “kettle” technique to beat protester asses and make money in what t I call a “Monkey Court.”

What is the problem in USA?
One word: COPS.

The humanoids in blue that police the City of St. Louis I seldom wanted to call as a mental health professional or citizen under siege unwittingly renting yet another notorious “Drug House.” Why did they not bust the previous occupants? In that event, they don’t get to “Skim the till” off the backs of small and mid-sized drug dealers. Why not tell the “Our Revolution” Sanders supporters they cannot have anything resembling a political “revolution” unless there is a revolution within the policing profession.

Nobody with those political credentials will listen to a word I say. Worse yet, with the proof on Howard genes in, why would a lawyer lift a finger? They like Boeing just fine. They want to support Raytheon too. General Dynamics is without sin. Northrop “secret weapons” are good for you, the average Democrat must say. What a crock of shit!

They know what I think of the defense industry, so why not pay a Russian thug to steal the pants off my ass and then take me to jail in LA as a “sex offender?” It is every bit that bad, but not here in St. Lou, where people still listen to AM radio preachers and Rush Limbaugh all day. In short, I am having great difficulty with becoming apolitical and saying “I want my money” to courts where it was accumulated.

By the way, I looked at your competitor’s map and their plan to saw off all of the coastal counties in favor of a 51st state. My question they don’t want to answer is, “Why keep San Diego?” It seems like they should be consistent in shunning them too. Your economy is going to enable the new state to lower taxes with what? Revenue from avocado farms? They admire West Virginia? Have they been there? That state may be quirky, but they are also poor as dirt, and a newspaper reporter there told me a big swath of the populace is on heroin. Are you people out there all nuts? I am not.    

William C. Hughes

>There is no melodrama in saying I’m in danger here, so: 1. Why not find a DRIVER get me out there? That’s the primary need. 2. Money follows faster as a need than when we first discussed this. 3. Housing? Both movie producers who offered to meet would not allow me to live on the streets, or would they?

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Darn, Wrong Alison

Stories! Love Letters!! Nonfiction Prose!!! Movie Pitches!!!!


My uncle Ralph Hughes worked in Baton Rouge for Cargill many years, and this made sense given he had married a French Canadian named Marie. When Ralph died suddenly, my father made no arrangements to attend his funeral. I even offered to pay for the flight, but all he would say is, “I don’t like the way Marie is talking.” Last year, desperate for political help, I called a U.S. Senator’s office down there. He had a very smart female aide who said, “I’m not afraid of bad neighborhoods” [Like mine]. When I called a state official, he said, “Mister Hughes, welcome to Louisiana.”

This is another example of how, like in the entertainment business, lately people tell you anything to move on, terminate the call, get you off their back, etc. I never did that on the other end of a state government phone when people were looking for HELP. Back to Uncle Ralph, he laughed and cut-up almost the entire limousine ride when granny died. As with my maternal grandmother, she died poor, but the funeral procession looked like an heir to the brewery died. When I said, “Did you guys spend all of the insurance money on this funeral?” the driver looked in the rear-view mirror.

It took me from 1997 to 2007 to figure out what was so funny to Ralph. The limo driver was very old, 6’3” with a neatly trimmed gray beard, and for some reason got out of the vehicle to stretch his long legs at the VA Cemetery. J. Edgar Hoover did not think Howard had died, and I can prove granny died twice. (The records at the cemetery and funeral parlor do not match on the date). Where are the hospital records? At a hospital corporation with the same name as the one I’ve claimed to be born at in Canada. The Canadian consulate gave me an appointment on my birthday. No lie; and Richard/“Ricky” would not change his story about it. Second City is in New York now? The Cubs moved to Phoenix? How would I know with so little internet?

I made an 8mm production in 1966 with sound-synched tape lampooning The French Chef. Possibly Meryl Streep found out about this and played Julia too. If I had so much as high-tech U-tube money, I’d find an Obama look-alike for a voice over of: “President Obama personally joined the fight against ISLE today, as his motorcade was ambushed by several gunmen with AR-15 rifles.” You can guess the rest.

If only my Manhattan Theater Club honcho hadn’t died young. The “Freshman Challenge” at his college theatre department was to do something impressive straightaway. They built an identical “Hollywood Squares” set in 48 hours. When I saw it, I said, “How are the actors getting to the third floor?” Mike gazed at the set and said, “I didn’t think of that.”

Bill Hughes

>>Please share with winos, subversives, and unemployed actors<<

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Welcome to Our Nightmare


Dear Professor Gottfried:

I tire of typing, so please read the messages below to our newspaper like the Ithaca Times, where some pieces of my writing were posted in the mid-1980’s. When I worked at the Campus Store textbook information desk, I often said, “Carl Sagan does not require a book.” My joke was, “Does he show up for class?” Regarding Cornell Professor Alfred Kahn, my supposedly Republican father, Charles E. Hughes was pleased when I told the man who looked like Howard R. Hughes Jr. this regarding “deregulation” guru Kahn: “I skimmed his book. The guy is full of shit.” All I wanted from my late dad’s office was the Interstate Commerce Commission map and a big ornate ashtray. The problem was, while being tortured by left & right-wind extremists in California, nobody told me he had died.

The absurd spy “blowback” goes right to the door of Day Hall. I’d like to run for political office. Two key points:

1.      No more Second Amendment as we’ve known it.
2.      No more nuclear weapons—period.

Too verbose? I think not. Surely, a few liberal Cornell faculty could donate some money. I’m further sure they are unable to obsess about CNN all day like your Diet Coke swilling president.    


William C. Hughes
Marlborough, MO


Sarah –

I thought I had a New York City 9/11 witness, but now she’s afraid she would be fired if we continue our conversation. Pardon me for alleging about 50,000 died that day because of Americans and their incessant terroristic plotting that started here, in good old St. Louis. (Lots of toxic stuff was released into the New York air, I’ve learned). They unfortunately only keep track of deceased “First Responders.” When I was e-mailed about Jamie fearing for her job, and life I’d speculate, she misspelled my name! (I noticed this a few days ago. The e-mail is way older than that). The most popular way to do it is “Huges.” The Congressional Record used “Hushes” for William J. Hughes. Why would the former congressman write to me again? As Bonnie Dummar said of my postal letter to Brigham City, Utah: “One is enough.”

Moving right along to what might be a “White Slave Ring” over here in Marlborough, I’d say that would be offensive to today’s “feminist.” This writer always minimizes, but suddenly today after I spoke to you I wondered if the “system” is: Drop that bitch off at the motel office and see if someone claims her. I’ve seen this quaint practice with my own eyes. You’ve come a long way, baby? Not on Old Route 66. Call the police? Not when they might be having sex with whores behind oddly darkened St. Louis County cop car windows. Clean cop? That’s an oxymoron around here.



Ms. Penske –

Watching CNN? The old government-newspaperman joke is: “Nothing to see here” when there most certainly is a dead body and smoking gun. My source of evil has been variously nicknamed “Boss Lady,” “Little Darling,” or “The Wicked Witch” and I’m not getting vulgar for a new one while continuing to try and tell people you are not “getting it,” though one guy at KTRS wrote back and stated he did. So did a legislator!

She said what?

She went to St. Petersburg Russia, not Moscow, I was told. That was not what she said before the trip, Sarah. During the Trump march to Electoral College victory? I heard “I’m going to New York” and “The (shuttle) van is here.” Not using the family private jet to look poor, I suppose. I know she has one, because I saw it in the air (D.C.) and on the ground guarded by females dressed in black (Burbank, CA). Why would I make this stuff up?

Trump was, as they say in the detective novel, “set up.”

I gave Ms. Moscow the last of my good “weed” in 1985, but she does not recall ever being at my house. I was asked this: “Can you get some more?” That was the end of my “set up.” After I leveled the “spying” allegation, her mom offered to get me a job at the New York Times and could have accomplished that easily. How? Mom let it slip that Mick Jagger was one of her old boyfriends. Lying? Bill Hughes does not do that. Michelle C. might recall being naked in the gorge where Ms. Moscow never swam if we could find her. (Her family is not surprisingly in the movie business).

Happy New Year,

William C. Hughes