I was going to squeak in there [St. Peters, MO] like a mouse and say that it did not go so well out west, I'll beg for my little social worker job back, and I'll be a good boy in not angering the Maple~wood cops in my itty-bitty apartment on "welfare," and...
INSTEAD, they are going to hear about how they all have a big problem in 01/2017, because they will sit in the trees and watch you all go to work, and meet in your little spaghetti Western cabal, and get your hair done, and gas-up the SUV, and take the dog to the vet...WATCHING, WATCHING WATCHING, because good old Bill is on TV like LBJ saying, "Mah fellow Ahmuricans, the economy used to suck, but now...."
At 5 a.m. on the Park & Ride Lot (not) Ventura. "Good morning Mister President."
NOT FUNNY. BASE CLOSED.
Now, let's talk about how your "Defending the sea lanes" crap is just that. Navy is "slimming down" by at least one half, because what did I say with many I.H.O.P. witnesses in 1971? "If you have the best Air Force in the world, you don't need anything else." Hey, Mormon, you are in some deep shit. What did she say on the train you don't want me on? "I'm a bad Mormon." And the pancake gang? One clue. They nicknamed my wig "Bugs." Where is my body-double JOHN BRINKMAN? If you looked through the Lewis & Clark (367) window, it was me. I thought it was funny. Now, we're having a hot Civil War over it, church lady. No? What is your last name, sugar? Mine is HUGHES. I'm in charge? They wanted to have a food fight an hour after closing time? JOHN KELLY, the owner, asked, "Bill, why is this fire extinguisher low?" Why not tell that story more, Sharon? Yes, I came out like the Cook-Terminator and opened-up on them. Later, they cleaned-up the white crap--QUIETLY. Make it an assault rifle, as I'm nearly murdered daily, Deputy and...
POTUS Hughes? "The science is old hat. Just plant the flag and get a box of rocks. You could check on the rover too, if you have time." Skeptics. "they" already showed me the mission Commander. It's a she, because I said so. Where? At the library, of course. That's what I got for reading Air & Space with old spookies in there. Wanna argue? Not today. It's this e-z when you are me. See astronaut photo in mag. Look up, and there she is. Yeeeeeha! What a country!
LAWN CHAIR ONE PREVIEW (blame Mike Shannon):
"Get up! Get up! Get the f--- up! Mother---er, get up there! Go! Go! Go! Go! Get your asses up there! Get gone! Get outta here. Yeeeeeha! We're goin' somewhere! Get gone! Yeah! Oh yeah! Get the f--- outta here! Yeeeeeha! Bye, bye! Yeah!
etc. etc. etc.
"Now, let's stop being delusional, and talk about what is wrong out in California. I'll make another pot of not Starbucks coffee." POSITIVE I.D. ON ANOTHER FAMOUS PERSON WHO DID SOME "TWEAKING" AND WENT TO "REHAB." Don't ask who or where.
"Nah, let's skip right to the point. In 2002, I was all alone in the office, and I absolutely did not like ever forwarding the phone, but that day I had to because...
...the Secret Service man I worked with came in with a bunch of them. There was about three guys and three women. I gave them my abbreviated version of BARB JOHNSON'S tour, and I noted later Barb had an early camera phone in her hand and was taking pictures, or maybe video. She quit her job shortly thereafter. They were supposedly there just to get a quick summary of how to get the president-obsessed nutcase in the hospital, and I gave them the short version. What I noticed was the young guys looked kind of embarrassed and were looking down at their shoes. The women, on the other hand, were making eye contact and looking kind of dreamy, like I was Elvis or something."
"When they left, I kinda thought 'What the hell was that?' It had to be a Friday or Tuesday, because those were the days I was stuck on the phone all day. I remember apologizing to the old State Hospital operator for forwarding the phone, and she laughed, because the joke was always on me. No more. Mark, they are probably sitting down the street right now. That's not supposed to happen because of president-related crap, it's the money. Oil money everybody and his brother has been trying to take by accusing me of a crime or saying I'm loony. Yeah, I'm loony enough to inherit an even bigger mess than Obama in 2009, and they fucking act like nothing is going on. Drives me crazy."
"In late 2009, walking around homeless in Thousand oaks, I saw one of the guys at Ralph's. Oh, it pissed me off! He was looking at men's grooming stuff, like shampoo and after shave and stuff. Big spy insult, I think. They get all excited about how you smell, and I tried to never stink up a room homeless, like some of them do, sometimes on purpose. Anyway, to make long stories shorter, they showed at an AA barbeque behind the senior center, when I'd assume I was supposed to get my ass killed. Instead, since they were there, I dared tell social worker jokes about AA to the AA people, and said, "I'm running for president." I did a few handshakes, and yes, they were watching with their little white headphone wires, just like a movie. Later, I passed this off as what is called a "psychological operation."
In other words, act like it's real, but Bill is nuts--it did not happen. They were not there. Oh yeah? I almost got in a fight with one of the guys that night because he got really drunk and peed on the senior center concrete. This is bad, because polite homeless go to the bushes to piss--not on George, though I may have said 'piss on him', and why would he care? Turns out he did, but that's another long sidebar. Anyway, I did not see them for a long time, because I think they got on top of a recently released John Hinckley. He's an oil family guy, and maybe not as nuts as advertised. Did you know in all of the assassination attempt video I can find, YOU NEVER SEE JOHN HINCKLEY. Never.
It's me? Yep, your government is so corrupt, they might have tried to "switch us out," either in secret or charge me with shooting at Ronald Reagan. My joke? I would have missed, and I think Hinckley was supposed to, but that's another long story. Shortening more, I saw the Secret Service gal from AA night I was kind of lusting after in front of Union Station in LA, and she smiled and nodded. This is big trouble. Then, the one I called the "Rainbow Bag Carrier" showed up, too. This, I think, means I'm probably going to win. Any questions?"
Why do I know two of the Secret Service agents there that day too well? Ask me, instead of acting like a bug before he dies from a shot of RAID.
"Is it neurological?"
- Rachel Cowen
"You might win."
- Jill Jensen
"Google doesn't pay much for blogs."
- Jonathan S.
"I'd vote for you."