Let’s see…in the movies, Bill Hughes rubs his chin and says, “If only I could rent Fenway Park for a day, give out free pizza and breadstick coupons to fill the stands, hire thousands of hungry actors out of Central Casting, and…”
The video would open with the ever-popular in the Middle East white Toyota pickup truck getting as close to the turnstiles as possible. There is a not arousing suspicion in USA camper shell on the back. Surprise! The vehicle discharges a dozen guys dressed in camouflage clothing and wearing the too common in certain regions black mask. The boys proceed to shoot their way into the ballyard. Losses? One bad guy is shot by a cop at the gate. That leaves 11 hopping onto the field. Umpires? Look at them run! Bullpen? As a famous broadcaster said of Jonny Bench during the 1989 San Francisco quake, “You’ve never seen a bullpen catcher run that fast!”
Next? They “set up shop” blasting away at the bleachers. POP POP POP. If they hear a cop pistol, they blow the cop away, but don’t worry, it’s only Dollar Tree ketchup on the rented from a costume shop uniforms. Like on “Cops,” my favorite show in the 1990’s, we follow a cop with that big rifle & scope, running to get a clear shot. He huffs, he puffs, and he MISSES on the first few shots. Meantime, the Central Casting crowd is screaming and trying to exit the ballpark under fire. Many Kalashnikov blanks are expended. Finally, a cop with a rifle fells a “terrorist.” “Aw shit!” he yells, as he is now being shot at. PING PING PING go the invisible bullets off old metal railings I know you have in there, Boston.
This takes a long time, as a proud handsome gay guy dressed as a cop shouts, “Got one!” More and more cops come pouring into Fenway with big ugly rifles any Bipolar Disordered guy with a grudge could easily buy today. Has Dr. Rick scanned all of my old 128’s into the state computer that talks to the Homeland computer? He didn’t? Oh my! (Excuse me, I used to work for the Missouri DMH and knocked on doors with many guns inside. I was “armed” with an analog Motorola cell phone).
After the big gun battle, with several actor-ballplayers brave enough to peek at it from the dugout, and by the way, our paid scale for one day actor-manager may indeed yell, “Fuck! It’s like a war out there!” what happens next? Before the FADE OUT, two cops stand over our dead actor-terrorists, and one says, “Jesus Christ almighty!” You hear dozens of SIRENS on the soundtrack, and the graphic says:
123 Dead, 303 Wounded
The Second Amendment was written in 1775, and is in need of revision.
I got the year wrong? All history professors may write to: firstname.lastname@example.org