The Dying Slowly Suite

[Inset joke here]

I am not old enough to call a female companion my “old lady,” but I am old enough to have advised my buddies that you might be caught by and old lady while stealing Crosby, Still, Nash, & Young’s first album, which was really their second album after the Canadian made them more “radical.” The clerk had a big curved mirror—no cameras. Mr. Trudeau is now roughing-up members of Parliament? I really need to find that woman who said, “I can’t go back to Canada! They’ll throw my ass in jail. [It was some little matter like a rock band, car wrecks, and several DUI’s. More than that? I’d rather not know].

Sorry, HughesWatchers, I’m not going to the last remaining record store in the Midwest to see the big LP cover and comment on her hairdo. What did I say? “Oh yeah, I got your dad’s album. It has a yellow cover, but I can’t remember the title.” [She was not writing down secret codes, soldier]. Later, I was proud to solve the last “T.O. Headache” by barfing directly into an Albuquerque trash can. I then re-boarded the bus to be kicked by a meth dealer the rest of the way. Mitt Romney did this too? I did not read about that in the Huffington Post.

May I watch the Bloomberg ticker all day and then “rescue” some distressed corporate millennial idiots who borrowed too much cash from their wealth granny? Lawyer? Why would I need one to lie, cheat, and steal when I could do that myself? I have such a high opinion of the legal profession, they won’t approach. The Amendment, DNC?

“The President of the United States shall not be an attorney at law.”

Could we get it through before Hillary wins? I didn’t think so. Also, for the “STL Zinger,” I must ask all those fat white men on the MetroLink: Have the Blues choked yet? Why not ride the #94 & #97 instead? I’m sorry if a black man boards the train. Does it go to Hillsboro? Why not? St. Charles? Alton? Dude, why is there a historical marker in front of “The House of Three Bills.” I paid the bills, not hitmen, but maybe I should have been advised the availability of such guys. Movie? And…action!

HIM

Why are you so skinny?

HER

I’ve been doing a little crank.

HIM

You better cut that shit out!

Who was that man?

Me, motherfucker.